Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Down Day

I'm having a down day today.  I just want to crawl back in bed and sleep until tomorrow.  I don't want to talk to anybody.  I don't want to see anybody. 

My heart hurts today.  My head is pounding.  I feel like there is something sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe.  My eyes hurt from crying. 

I lost my mom 5 years ago today.

I was in the hospital room when she took her last breath.  That still haunts me to this day.  I wish I hadn't been there.  I wish that wasn't the dream I dream the most--seeing her laying in that hospital bed.

I miss her so much.  Especially this year.  I want her here so she can hold her grandson.  I want her here so that I can call her if I have a "baby" question.  I want her to hold me.  I miss her smell.  I miss her laugh.  I would give anything for just one more day with her.

I'm supposed to find comfort in the fact that she is no longer in pain.  I'm supposed to be okay because she is in a better place.  Well, I'm not.  Call me selfish, but I want her here with me.  I wasn't ready to give her up yet.

It hasn't gotten easier like everyone said that it would.  It is so much harder because I'm starting to forget what her laugh sounded like.  I'm starting to forget what she smelled like.  I'm starting to forget what her voice sounded like.

I don't understand why this happened.  There is a whole in my heart and I don't know how to fill it.  I wonder if my baby boy will ever know just how wonderful my mother was.

I'm having a down day today.


abatha said...

Jodie - I'm thinking about you today...lots of hugs - Ab

Emmy said...

I am so sorry. *HUG*

Momma Fargo said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Words just aren't enough. I will say some prayers for you.

Summer said...

I ran across your bloggy blog cause the title caught my eye....Everynight before Kelcee goes to bed we tell her we love her to the moon and back :0)

I'm sorry your having a down day....you are allowed too....it stinks to lose a parent! I lost my dad to a sudden heart attack 3 years ago! Kelcee was only 5 mths old! I wasn't ready to let him go....I didn't even get to say goodbye....I talked to him on the phone the day before and told him I loved him....It seems it gets harder....I visit his grave often and talk of him frequently but it is soooo hard....

I will say a prayer for you today....

Summer :0)

Brook said...

Thinking of you. Love...your lil'

Anna said...

I'm sorry Jodie....I know its hard but God has his arms around her. I know you know she's no longer in pain, and it doesn't make things better for you, but I'll say a prayer for you! Love ya girl!!

Katy and Ross said...

We're saying a few extra prayers.

Your boy will know. My neighbor's grandmother died when her dad was 14. You can ask her anything about her Grandma Emily in Heaven, and she'll have an answer. If she doesn't know it, she'll find her daddy and ask him. It will be really tough when he asks questions about your mom, but it will also help you, I hope.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

My heart is heavy for you. I am so blessed to still have both my parents, but I lost my grandfather-- who was my light and my life-- to cancer when I was 12. It's been half a lifetime since then, and I still think about him every single day.

I'll keep your mom in my prayers tonight. It sounds like you have a very special angel.

Confessions From A Working Mom

Chelle said...

Oh, hun, I cannot imagine how hard this post was for you to write. I wish I could give you a huge hug.

I am just so sorry for your loss. It's entirely okay to be selfish. To want her here.

Praying for you...


The Beaver Bunch said...

I'm so sorry Jodie. But, thank you for reminding me how much I should appreciate my Mom and how blessed I am to have her around.

I'm praying for you friend.

TOSHeidi said...

So sorry about your mom. My best friend lost her mom when she was 17. She was with her when she died. I know she treasures that time.
Now, my best friend has cancer and I fear losing her. Sometimes life just isn't fair, is it?

I'm here from Friday Follow.
Hope you'll stop by my blog and follow me too.