Down Day

I'm having a down day today.  I just want to crawl back in bed and sleep until tomorrow.  I don't want to talk to anybody.  I don't want to see anybody. 

My heart hurts today.  My head is pounding.  I feel like there is something sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe.  My eyes hurt from crying. 


I lost my mom 5 years ago today.


I was in the hospital room when she took her last breath.  That still haunts me to this day.  I wish I hadn't been there.  I wish that wasn't the dream I dream the most--seeing her laying in that hospital bed.

I miss her so much.  Especially this year.  I want her here so she can hold her grandson.  I want her here so that I can call her if I have a "baby" question.  I want her to hold me.  I miss her smell.  I miss her laugh.  I would give anything for just one more day with her.

I'm supposed to find comfort in the fact that she is no longer in pain.  I'm supposed to be okay because she is in a better place.  Well, I'm not.  Call me selfish, but I want her here with me.  I wasn't ready to give her up yet.

It hasn't gotten easier like everyone said that it would.  It is so much harder because I'm starting to forget what her laugh sounded like.  I'm starting to forget what she smelled like.  I'm starting to forget what her voice sounded like.

I don't understand why this happened.  There is a whole in my heart and I don't know how to fill it.  I wonder if my baby boy will ever know just how wonderful my mother was.

I'm having a down day today.